Everything we do, every action we take, we do in order to feel better. Even if we know ahead of time that this choice will entail negative emotions, we make this choice in order to conform to someone's expectations, some principles or norms. The idea of this conformity, in return, makes us feel better. When a tanda begins, and I'm choosing which partner to invite, my goal is to make the choice that feels the best in and of itself, without any detours via conformity.
The only thing that can get in the way of using our emotional navigation system is our fear. When we give into our fears, when we focus our attention on the things we want to avoid, we paint ourselves into a corner.
Bound by the constraints of conforming to the expectations of others, we lose the capacity to take any action at all. One very good leader left tango only because he thought that he was obliged to dance with everyone, and he physically couldn't accomplish this. "It's unbearable! They're all looking at me, like…".